Everyday

I guess it’s true what they say about taking everything day by day. I mean even just look at me now, I made my first blog post on the 15th of January and now twenty four hours later I feel SO much better. It was a hard morning for me and I needed to get it off of my chest and I’m so thankful I did. After only a few hours of posting I felt so much better and I was out and about having a shower by myself and I tidied up my room all on my own! I even got out of the house and got pampered by finally getting my nails done again. Then to top it all off I went and hung out with the boy I like! It was definitely needed after a tough morning I will say. Now I’m not going to ride this high out too quickly today cause I think I need a win for at least a day but I just have to say man I feel good! I had an awesome night, and I even slept through the night for the first time since getting out of the hospital. Probably helped I was also back to sleeping in my own bed alone but I digress. It was definitely the type of win I needed. I think it helped that my night with the boy went very well, I even may have had a pretty good dream about him too which helped me sleep so that’s a part of this awesome high I’m feeling right now too. I think it’s important for people to get out their frustrations on the bad days so that in turn the next day you can hope to have a better day like I am already. Not really sure where I’m going with this post this morning but I guess I just needed to express that sometimes all the superficial bullshit I was talking about in the other post does make sense after the fact. I think it’s just at the time when you’re going through the expected tough moments you’re going to feel like it is in fact superficial and don’t want to hear it but then it’s good to take a step back after all the emotions have come and gone and take a big breath and think you know maybe there is some sort of truth in what they say. Cause you do really have to take it day by day and I’m starting to realize that more so now, and it does help that all the emotions have settled and now that I’m in a better mind set I can look back with a positive perspective and really reflect on everything I went through yesterday and learn and grow from all the words and emotions that flew out onto the page.

I wrote that first paragraph on the 15th, it’s the 22nd now today and boy was this week very up and down. Saturday morning was very rough for me, as many may know if they read my first post, but then after getting out all the frustration the day slowly got better. I had a chill day and then by the evening I went to a family friends house and got my nails done, then after I was feeling the much needed feeling of prettiness I got to spend a few seriously needed chill hours with the cute boy I somehow constantly find myself continuously writing about. Anyways it was needed to say the least, but it was definitely a great way to end the day that started off so shitty. On Sunday we went out again and I dressed super cute! I felt super cute too which has been a super big confidence boost and it just makes me feel good to finally be able to dress up again and go out and have a little bit of normality come back into my life. Monday was also a pretty good day, we went out for a third day in a row; probably a bit too much for me yet but I did good. I finally got to wear my thigh high boots I got for Christmas, my dad hadn’t let me wear them out yet because he was scared they didn’t have any grip on the bottom and didn’t want me to fall, I may not be as stable as I was before but I don’t think boots should effect anything. So it was just my dad’s girlfriend and I on Monday so I seized the opportunity of him not being there and being worried to my advantage and FINALLY wore what she calls my “Come fuck me boots” or what I like to call them my “Hooker boots”. She was totally my hype woman though and kept saying how cute and good I looked in them, so for a few days whenever her and I go out and dad isn’t with us I use it to my advantage and wear them as much as I can. On Tuesday it was a chill day, I absolutely vegged out and stayed in bed ALL day. I think I coloured a total of like four pictures that day, super chill. Then on Wednesday I had such a good day! I finally got my staples removed and I was curious to know if it would hurt or if I would even feel it at all due to the plate in my head; I barely felt a thing, on the places that I did feel which were the sides of my head it only felt like a slight pinch, when the nurse started to get to the chunk that has the plate I didn’t feel a thing. The only annoying thing is she put these god awful looking bandages over the incision and then a bigger bandage over top to hold them in place because they were super shitty quality and I looked like a kook. Thankfully I have a bandana that is wide enough to cover the whole thing and hide all evidence of the bandages but still I looked stupid when I took it off, the bandage that was stapled to my head right after surgery looked better than these; but the rest of the day went good and we went and did a little bit of shopping afterward as a treat for me doing so well at getting the staples out. Not that I needed to be treated cause I didn’t feel a thing but if I’m going to be spoiled I won’t complain. We went to lulu lemon and I bought myself a new bandana and a sports bra, then we went to a super cute little book store and I totally scored the book I’d been eyeing for like two years, I was SO excited, still am. It’s the second illustrated Harry Potter book, I got the first one a couple years ago for Christmas and since I had been wanting to get the second one so that I can start a collection of all of the illustrated ones because they are so aesthetically pleasing just to look at, they are gorgeous. I never got around to getting the second one myself but I asked for it for Christmas, unfortunately something got lost in translation on my list to my parents because my dad bought me the third one and my mom bought me the fourth. Now they only have the first four illustrated and published so far, so I’m thankful I got the other ones but how much is that really going to benefit me if I’m missing the second one, I want to be able to read the books in order and it makes it kind of hard if you’re missing the second out of four; but I have all four now so that’s all that matters and I can’t wait to start reading them because like I said they are GORGEOUS. So moral is Wednesday was a good day.

Now for Thursday this mofo needs its own paragraph. I don’t know or understand why but since we came back from Alberta for Christmas, Thursdays have been out to get me. The day I first got my dad to take me to the emergency on the 30th, was a Thursday, the next week when I was in the ICU with a giant black swollen eye, was a Thursday, the next week I had to go back to the emergency because my seizures had started again, was a Thursday. Now this week I woke up at 3am once again only this time in excruciating jaw pain and an out of the blue swollen eye; kind of concerning, so we got ready to take me into an urgent care facility and what happens? Well my dad’s girlfriend remote started her car and went to go brush the snow off, she puts her purse in the back seat which has her phone, her wallet and even her keys in, the fucking car takes it upon itself to lock everything inside. We don’t have a spare key, her car has a fob and if it is in the car it IS NOT suppose to lock. So we’re trying to get me medical help on an already awful day and then the car locks everything inside, now thankfully I was in the house with my phone and purse and we have my car but the insurance needs to be switched over so if something were to happen we’d be fucked cause I would have no coverage. So I was already having a bad morning and then the universe just really wanted to keep seeing just how much I could take, it’s clearly a lot but I was straight up not having a good fucking time and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die; but we got to the urgent care and got in pretty quickly so that was okay, ended up not needing to be there because my actual neurosurgeon wanted me to go see him instead. So we waited around until we went to see him, when we did he was confused as to why all of a sudden after two weeks of surgery and me healing and feeling okay that poof all of a sudden I’ wake up with a swollen eye and jaw pain. Well he sent me back to the hospital for CT scan, plus put me on antibiotics to rule out an infection; so now I take a total of eight pills a day and possibly more if I need anything for pain. Things were starting to look up though after seeing my neurosurgeon, we got the spare key to the car and went home quickly to change and eat and finally grab my dads girlfriends car, wallet, and phone. We packed a couple snacks a stuff just in case we would be stuck at the hospital for an hour or two, so we prepared. We went back to the hospital, and shocker, surprise surprise, wouldn’t you know it, A THURSDAY! We concluded that Thursdays have been deemed “KGH Thursdays” (Kelowna General Hospital, for those wondering) and next Thursday my body better get it’s shit together because we are NOT going back again. So we got to emerg and they couldn’t find my referral from the doctor to get me in for a CT, so we had to wait for TWO GOD DAMN HOURS before anyone even came to talk to us. I was tired, I was in pain, I was owly because all I wanted to do was go home and sleep; that’s all we had planned on doing after going to urgent care. We were going to go, get checked out, maybe be given antibiotics and then go home and I was going to nap, that was it. Instead we ended up going to three different medical centers and didn’t get home until nine o’clock at night. At least as soon as I was seen by a doctor I was in and out within about an hour, so that was nice but my god was it a long, hard fucking day. My CT came back looking really good but we still don’t know why my eye started to swell but you know what its getting better now so lets hope it stays getting better.

Friday was a much better day however, and I mean rightfully so, I deserved a good day after such a shit show of the day before. I dressed super cute again, we went out for brunch, and then when we got home I even baked!! It felt SO GOOD to be able to bake again, I won’t be the one eating the cookies because they are for the cute boy but I don’t even care because just being able to bake again was such an amazing feeling. I put my music on, got all my ingredients out and got to work while dancing and singing. It was a good fucking day. Today now I’m just taking it easy, I feel okay, I’m content. I have some company coming over for a bit and then tonight I’m finally staying the night again at the cute boys house. My dad is super nervous about it because of the separation anxiety and I did just have brain surgery only a mere 17 days ago, but I told him I’m a big girl, I’m an adult and I will take it easy and slow. I’ll bring all of my medications and I’ll even bring my walker. My dad’s going to stay at his girlfriends house which is only literally 4 minutes away so he’s right near by; I told him I will check in all the time and when they check in with me I’ll respond asap. I understand his nervousness but it’s not like me and this boy are going out to a giant party and drinking, we are probably only going to sit on his couch and watch a few movies and chill. He is very much aware I have a brain tumour so he knows we have to take it easy and can’t do much.

So I’ve stretched making this post over about a week and a half and I think today, the 26th, I’ll finally post it. I know I’ve been saying you have to take everything day by day but one thing that has constantly stayed on my mind and made me slightly nervous and scared is finding out the results of my MRI 6 weeks post OP and seeing what my doctors suggest for a treatment plan. There is so much I have to think about and consider with it all. Most likely I’ve looked up that with a brain tumour I will be going through both chemotherapy and radiation, which is kind of terrifying. I know there are millions of other people that go through these treatments but having to weigh in all the factors and everything else means I have a lot to think about, and not even just on the treatment aspect. I have to take a new diet very seriously, I have to think about all the different chemicals that will be in my body and what supplements and vitamins are okay for me to take to help my body fight and remain as healthy as can be, I have to think about the fact that majority of my support system is a province away, I have to think about the toll this is all going to put on my dad, and so so so much more. It’s just scary knowing that after the MRI on the 9th everything is going to be moving forward so quickly I’m going to feel as though I haven’t had time to think about anything even though I’d have just spend 6 weeks having all this time to think.

One more thing I have to say before finally ending this post is a HUGE thank you to my dads girlfriend. She just spend the last 8 days taking care of me, she switched around her vacation days at work so she could take care of me the whole week and spend time taking me to my appointments and taking me out for shopping and fun and then just hanging out on the couch laughing and watching movies together and just putting some light in these dark days for me. She’s been truly amazing to both me and my dad and has helped us out tremendously! And I mean this woman has to be amazing for putting up with my annoying ass for eight straight days in a row, a true trooper we got in our corner and we love her for it. So thank you ❤