Finally I am about to start treatment. I just got a call from the cancer clinic and am scheduled to have a meeting with a radiation oncologist and sign some papers to get me fully set up for the clinic. I’m a little nervous about it since I’ve gotten use to my routine of being at home and taking the steps to recover, so going out of my comfort zone again is a nerve racking thing for me, but with that being said I am also eager to be able to take the next steps in this whole thing to get me to the point of remission, that is the end goal as I’m more than certain it is for eveyone. At least now though that I am a patient of the clinic I have access to some support and help so that while going through treatment if I’m struggling I have someone or multiple people to help talk me through it, whether it be a councilor to give me some professional advice on how to come to terms with it or a group of people who are going through it as well to share their stories and help me get a different perspective on it as well as create a certain type of connection to be able to voice my thoughts and worries to and have them not only understand but actually know what it is like to be having the same feelings.
I know this is a good thing and it will ultimately help me get better and hopefully kick my little hitchhiker to the curb, but thinking about it in the grand scheme of things is scary. It’s scary because everything from the doctors to the medications to the treatment rooms is intimidating. In all reality it shouldn’t be because it is to help me get better but the thought of having radiation and or chemotherapy is kind of hard to put into words, I guess the best way to describe it would be just that, scary and intimidating, but also indescribable in a way too. I really don’t know how to feel about it, it’s a mixture of emotions so to say, I’m happy that we are moving forwards with things yet I’m scared for the possible sideaffects and outcomes but also intimidated by the process of things, especially the radiation. Now I don’t know too much yet but what intimidates me the most is the creepy mask they will mold to perfectly form to my face and then will be used to SCREW ME TO THE TABLE! Tell me that wouldn’t freak you out; but then the room as to which I will be placed in is like a vault, you should see the size and thickness of those doors, literally like a bank vault I shit you not. The part that scares me however is the possible after effects it could have on me, especially because the radiation is going in the most sensitive and fragile part of the body, the brain. I have millions of questions to ask the oncologist, and don’t worry I haven’t gone down any scary internet rabbit holes but I’m scared it could have some long term effects that could potentially make me not myself anymore and or cause more confusion and jumbledness to come out than what has already been happening just from surgery. However I’m aware that this is what the doctors are for and why they have to study for so long so that they can answer any and all the questions all their patients have.
Regardless of all of the scariness I am feeling the fact that I am now able to get the treatment I need is amazing. It may not be able to remove all of the tumor but that’s okay, I’ve come to terms with having to live my life with it. I’m not going to be the girl with the brain cancer but rather the girl who just so happens to have it and has overcome the big obstacles and doesn’t let it define her. One of the most important things my neurosurgeon told me was to not let this little thing in my head define me, I can do all the normal things a normal 21 year old can do I just have to take into account that I may just tire out quicker and easier and I just have to be careful. Once I finally start treatment it might be a little rocky for a while but afterwards when I’m better it will all be worth it, no guarantees that it will be all bad during because everybody is different but it is just something to prepare for. However we know I am going to get through this all good and fine and eventually be back to my normally cheery and happy self, not that I’m not already back to being myself but I’m sure it’ll be tough for a short while so that’s why I say in no time I’ll bounce back, and even so through the whole thing I’m going to keep my spirits up as high as they can be.
All the Feels 