Adjustments

I find it funny how inspiration strikes at any given time it sees fit. I just wrote a blog the other day after having struggled for a couple months with only being able to post once a month with a good post, now just a few days after my latest I suddenly find myself back writing again. This post is going to be a bit more hopeful and inspirational rather than just informational and insightful like my last was. Unlike last week where I was itching to hash out one of these, this time it has just naturally come to me. In my mind I think it must be because I know this week is going to be hard so it’s a future “Note to Self” to keep me going as much as I might not want to. It doesn’t even just have to be for me, it can be for who ever needs it as a reminder that no matter what you’re going through I know it’s going to be hard but you are tough and once it’s all said and done it’ll be worth it by the end. That goes for everything in life, and I know it’s been said over and over a billion times by a billion people but there is truth to that saying, and if I’m going to look back on it one day or even on multiple days, it’s nice to know that I can read it back to myself. Same goes for anyone reading this, actually I implore you to do this, if you need it go back and read that to yourself in your own voice using your own words, by all means! Please do! It may vary from how I wrote it to how you read it to yourself but that is perfectly normal, if we’re being completely honest if I were to say that to myself it would sound different from what I even wrote, but that was just my nurturing, sweet side; now if I were to say it to myself it might go a little something like this “Listen bitch, we are tough! If we can get this far after a god damn craniotomy this shit should be a fucking cake walk, I don’t know why we are crying but we just gotta push a little further and we’re golden.” So you may say something similar to that or something totally different, whatever you so choose to say I just hope it motivates you in the right way to get you through to the other side of whatever it is you’re going through, cause that is all that really matters.

Now you may be asking why the all of a sudden inspirational post as well as such a quick post, well like I mentioned this week is going to be a toughie. I have noticed with my newest anti seizure medication that although they work terrifically, when I increase the amount by a fair dose it has quite the repercussion on my body; and I’m not talking about a couple mg at a time, oh no no, I increase by 50mg at a time! Now I’m not to sure about you but to me that seems pretty steep, and with my teeny tiny little body and fragile little brain it’s a lot. The adjustment period is very hard on a body, as I’m sure many of you who have had to take and or change up your medications have experienced, its definitely not something for the weak I can tell you that. For me I have found it takes a lot of my will power to even just get me out of bed, I get nauseous then add on a headache (in my case not ideal) then I get very sensitive to any sort of light or noise, then after a while add in a migraine(which comes with its own nausea) all while still having a headache and nausea from the morning. So everything piles onto one another and gets progressively worse for four days, all I want to do is stay in bed in the dark in silence alone but sadly I still have to take my other pills as well as continue on with the “tiny little bastards” as I now like to call them. Although, given all this information these pills combined with my others have a pretty good success rate so far, so like I explained to my mom last night “really good and really bad pros and cons to these meds” Am I crazy for putting myself through the agony of all this? Maybe. Why should I go through all of those horrible things I explained and be miserable just to not have a quick little seizure for the thirty seconds max it takes for me to have one. Why wouldn’t I call my neurologist straight away and tell him I need to try a different combo. How could someone possibly want to continue on with the same medication if they knew the same thing was going to keep happening the next time they would have to up their dose again. Well, even though it might not make sense as to why I’m complaining one minute yet justifying another it all goes back to what I said in the beginning; by the end of it all it will be worth it. I know now, in this moment (and if I say otherwise later on, use this against me) that once my body has fully taken the time to take a step back and breath and acknowledge it has adjusted I know by then I will be okay.

Everyone handles their battles differently, and that is okay. Everyone is different, there is no pressure for anyone to do or change anything just because somebody else told them to, especially when it comes to being sick. I handle my sickness how I choose, I do what I think is best for me, and right now I think being on this new medication is really helping me (despite the few flaws) hence why I’m choosing to stick with it. Plus I know I’m tough and can stick it out, country girl remember, so just like I always say with my cancer “I’m not going to let it kick my ass, instead I’m going to kick it’s ass first” same goes for this, except these little guys pack a mean punch, but I always get back up. It’s almost like when I broke my arm when I was three, fell off the miniature horse and snapped my arm right in two but still only asked my dad for ice. Despite everything that keeps getting thrown at me I am still going to power through this, always have always will. If there is one thing I could wish for everyone, a dying wish so to say, but let me clarify for everyone who will rip me a new asshole for that one, it’s not! So if there would be one thing I could wish for anyone it would be that when going through any sort of hard time to always be able to see that light no matter how thick that dark cloud may be, always be able to see that everything in fact does happen for a reason. Now don’t get me wrong it may be super shitty at the worst of times and you have no idea why, I will still never understand why that poor doctor had to break that life changing news to me on New Years, I’ll still never understand why I have to go through this at all, but I do know by the end of it I’ll be okay.