Treatment

Today’s the day, the day we or at least I, have been dreading for the longest time now. Today is treatment day. To say I haven’t been putting on a brave face would be a lie, everyone has been congratulating me on how strong and tough and brave I am but in truth, and I’m going to be bluntly honest as I usually am… I’m fucking terrified. Rightfully so however, I mean who wouldn’t be? It’s not that I’m claustrophobic or anything with my radiation mask, I think my mask is actually kind of cute because I never knew just how tiny my head surprisingly is. (You’re welcome mom) So I’m not really sure what is causing all the nerves that is kicking in my flight response because when I think of and envision that moment before getting on that table all I see is full fledged melt down like a toddler in the grocery store, oh yeah I see myself collapsing in the nurses arms while hyperventilating and crying in the corner of the room of this huge vault I’m going to be locked in. I think another part of it is being physically screwed down to the table and not being able to move, now I’ve done MRI’s and CT’s before plenty of times and they are no biggy, but I guess having something restricting me and bolting me down freaks me out; plus not to mention this is it, this is the real deal, we’re burning this sucker today. Its a big thing, and anyone would be nervous. I just find it a little bit funny how I was way less scared and nervous for the biggest part of all of this and that was my surgery, my dad brings that up all the time “You got this, you’ve been through the worst and hardest part months ago, and now look at you. You got this, this is nothing compared to a major brain surgery and you already kicked ass once so let’s do it again”

Part of me 100% wants to turn tail and run, but the other part wants to face it head on and get it done and prove to myself I am in fact the badass everyone sees me as. Is it scary, absolutely. Do I want to have a meltdown in the arms of my “twin”, totally. Am I going to have a panic attack the first few times, probably. But am I going to kick this hitchhiker to the curb with all my might, fuckin rights I am.

So as I mentioned I start my Radiation Therapy today, Monday June 13th and this will now be the 2nd out of the 3rd treatment I will be receiving as a plan at the moment, obviously things can change but as of right now I had my surgery, now I start my radiation and then by about September I will be starting Chemotherapy. Never had I thought before I would be saying these words, nor did I think I would be going to a cancer clinic for myself but here we are, nevertheless these are the cards I’ve been dealt and I have to play with them. At least with my chemotherapy I will be taking them in pill form instead of an IV so I won’t have to go into the hospital each time, I can just take a pill before bed and its quick and easy and done with. The only tedious thing is it’ll be a 12 month cycle of that and a 6 week cycle of radiation so I’m definitely in for the long haul this first round. The radiation however is a once in a lifetime ordeal, I only get it for the 6 weeks and then I am not able to get it again because you get capped out at a certain amount.

That being said, if I am to need more treatment afterwards it is only going to be chemotherapy, or more surgery in an extreme case. I have already been made aware that I will have to undergo multiple rounds of chemo throughout my life because although my prognosis isn’t bad or life threatening, it’s not quite the best either. For those who don’t know my official prognosis is right frontal lobe Grade 2 Astrocytoma that is treatable but non-curable, so even though we may be able to shrink this to nothing it will always slowly grow back. Yes there may be no growth right now and that is truly the best news ever, and being able to shrink it and for it to be treatable is the thing that I think keeps us all hopeful and keeps us all going, but the fact that it is non-curable is a little bit of a bummer.

It’s been a couple hours now since I started those first few paragraphs and I’m happy to report all is well and it was not so scary after all. My nerves definitely chalked it up to be way worse than what it actually was and all the nurses and doctors were super comforting and helpful and supportive and encouraging throughout the entire thing. As a precaution I took a small tablet of Ativan to calm me down and it really helped, I was still a little nervous but as always and in true Emma fashion I rocked it today. Having that “chill pill” in me made all of those envisions of collapsing and hyperventilating just float away and soon as I walked in the door and seen the calm and cool environment that had been created for me as well as seeing all the smiling welcoming faces and not to mention being able to hear music was like a god send to me. My only concern was what happens if a good song comes on and I can’t help but wiggle around and dance to it! However it was very comforting the environment they made for me and I didn’t feel scared at all, I felt like I was in good hands and that this next 6 weeks is actually going to go well and as per usual I was letting my nerves get the best of me for nothing.

Well well well, it turns out I got more occupied with things than expected and I should have posted all that when I started because now it’s 6 weeks later and I’m officially finished!!!!! Unfortunately however that means this post is going to be a little longer and for that I apologize, but the good news is I’m done and I’m feeling good… well for the most part anyways, I’m just super tired all the time now. Ultimately though I am feeling pretty good over all, these past 6 weeks flew by I must say and now onto new and better things, aaaaaaactually scratch that we’re just going to say the next step; which just so happens to be a nice little vaycay for me! Okay, okay, so maybe it’s not quite the vacation you’re imagining me being on, and trust me I would love to be there too but this is pretty good as well; I get to be in the beautiful Okanagan in +40 weather and what’s even better is I get all the enjoyment of the hot sun whilst still being at home! For an introvert that’s like a dream come true let me tell you. I guess I won’t be spending the whole time at home because my best friend will be coming to visit me for about 10 glorious days and I cannot wait to see him; now those days are going to be shenanigan filled and so much fun that I can’t even explain how excited I am!!!

Now to address what I’m sure all of you are itching and waiting and wanting to know most of all about the duration of the radiation, it went swell. Everyday was just as I explained in the start, I went in and laid on the table with the music already going and the radiation therapists gently placed my mask on and then left the room for a quick few minutes and that was it, I sat there the whole time just listening to the music, I couldn’t feel a thing and it was a very quick appointment. I started June 13th and ended July 25th, I went in everyday Monday to Friday, 30 appointments and I did pretty good all things considered. There was a few hard times along the way as there always will be, the major one for me that continued through the whole thing was the fatigue, I found myself to be and still to be quite tired. One of the things that I have come to terms with now, but was very hard at the start was when I noticed my hair starting to fall out. Since it fell out in patches and clumps it looked kind of ugly to me, but once it all fell out in the spots where I was being treated it evened out and I was able to get my dad to shave my whole head and I liked the way I looked again, plus when my hair does grow back I like to laugh and say where my hair has fallen out it’s my little racing stripe on the side of my head.

So 6 weeks and 30 appointments later and yeah I think it’s safe to say I crushed it. Yeah I may have lost a little bit of hair along the way but who needs it? I think I prefer myself with short hair anyways; despite what my 11 year old self would say. It’s been a journey for sure and I’ve still got a long way to go but for now I’m going to enjoy my well deserved break before my chemotherapy, and then I’m going to kick that’s ass too!