Trying to Deal

Going through something like this is honestly beyond words. I sit here at 3:21 in the morning frustrated and irritable from everything that I’ve been trying to process from the last two fucking weeks. Even just from the last four months of everything coming together it’s still a lot to process. Like I said 3:23 in the morning. Wide awake. Not able to sleep. Irritable. Restless. Frustrated. Constipated. Just straight up plain fucking angry. I don’t know what to do! I don’t sleep from 1 in the morning to 3 for shit. From 3-6 maybe if I’m JUST tired enough but then I’m up again for regulatory pills at 6 anyways so then what’s the point of falling back asleep?! And then it’s basically a waste for me to try and sleep again from 6 cause I have to take pills again at 9 anyways and from 6-9 it starts to get light outside anyways so again I say what’s the fucking point?! I guess my moral is being recently diagnosed as actually fucking SICK SICK sucks!!!! Like who the fuck can even comprehend the fact that within the days of December 30th 2021 to January 12th 2022 you’ve been diagnosed with a god damn fucking BRAIN TUMOUR! Low grade, stage 2 Glioma to be exact but still none the less the simply put words you’ve been told are “I’m so sorry sweetheart, you have fucking cancer” AND IVE ONLY KNOWN THIS INFORMATION FOR LIKE TWO FUCKING WEEKS!!!! I’m just beyond annoyed and frustrated I don’t even know what to do or say or think! I’ve done the crying and the hyperventilating and the shock and the worry and done the check ups and CT’s and MRI’s and it’s just SO MUCH FOR A TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD! I’m suppose to be working at the hospital as a housekeeper 9-5 or whatever, then coming home for supper with my dad and talking about our days and watching our shows like normal and then occasionally talking or hanging out with the cute boy I just recently met! All things a NORMAL 21 year old girl should be doing! I should be working the 9-5, going out with friends, fucking the guy I like! Not sitting here at 3:37 in the GOD DAMN MORNING VENTING IN MY FUCKING NOTES! It’s NOT FUCKING FAIR! I want to scream and cry and pull my hair out! Even though I can’t actually pull out my hair anymore cause I buzzed it all off! I had gorgeous fucking hair too! Even just from moving to BC a few months in I’ve gotten more compliments on how long and gorgeous and beautifully coloured my hair use to be then I’d EVER gotten before in my life! But of course my body and my brain decided “Hey this bitch hasn’t been given enough heartache and heart-ship in just her silly little 21 years of life so let’s give her a brain tumour just to spice things up!” Having to cut my hair was needed to say the least, I vowed to myself when I was 11 I’d never cut my hair short EVER AGAIN but surprise surprise here we are today January 15th 2022 with a buzz cut like a new born kitty and 50 some fucking staples in my head! Not to mention the titanium plate! But yes the buzz was needed, sadly. After my surgery on the 5th the nurses or doctors or surgeon (doesn’t matter who) braided my hair to the side after having to shave part of my head for the incision anyways. From then for 4 days it remained in a nasty, crusty, LEGITIMATELY BLOODY DISGUSTING MATTE! So yes it NEEDED to go. Didn’t hurt me too bad at the time when I got home and told my dad “it gotta go” cause for my mental health and well being it HAD to go! And don’t get me wrong, I’m confident now that I look good! I know I do! I fucking ROCK this shit with the utmost confidence I think I’ve ever had! But to say I don’t miss my long beautiful luscious burgundy hair would be a lie. I totally do, I miss it SO much, and I know I made jokes with the guy I like about him not missing my hair cause it got in his face all the time but shit still hurts to think about it being COMPLETELY GONE! I know it’ll grow back and I use to say it was a lot to manage and it was a pain but I think every girl at some point in her life chops it off and regrets the decision, not saying I regret it cause I don’t! It. Just. Sucks. It’s also a whole other thing to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and see this weak sickly looking person stare back at you think to yourself “How is this me?!” Like seriously! I got undressed the other day to shower and I stood looking at my bare ass self for a solid two minutes just standing there with my head cocked to the side thinking “there is no way this is my body now” Maybe it’s just from all the weight loss, or the excessive bruising (especially of the eyes) or maybe the lack of my cute piercings but standing there naked looking at myself before getting in the shower was hard. All I could think to myself was “look at me, just a few weeks ago I was no where near as sickly looking as I am now. I had just slept with a guy who thought I was hot! And now I’m this weak sickly looking CANCER PATIENT!” This shit is no fucking joke man. When people say getting actually sick is hard, FUCKING BELIEVE THEM! Cause it is the hardest thing to look back at yourself before you were sick to how you look/feel now. The other day I was seriously struggling with the sad boy vibes, and I know they will come and go. I do. But when I told my older sister she said once those bruises and everything goes away you’ll get your confidence back and be able to wear makeup again and you’ll feel so much better! And she’s right, I will. But how fucking sad is it that what I have to look forward to to feel like myself again is for my black eyes to go away so I can put on something so simplistic as MASCARA! I use to put mascara on everyday just because! Now it’s what I have to fucking look forward to?! Fuck did I take shit for granted man. I guess that’s one of the other positives to come out of this. I won’t take anything for granted anymore. I know lots of people have been telling me to think of all the positives and that’s what will keep you going, I’m sure they will. I’m a pretty positive fucking person. I have a sunflower tattoo for fuck sakes and my blood type is B+ so clearly it shouldn’t be too hard for me to keep my chin up right? But I mean come on! I know people are just trying to help but it all just sounds like superficially bullshit! Keep positive, keep your head up, you’re gonna have good days and bad days! IM AWARE! I KNOW! BUT FUCK!!!!!!! ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!! Why me?! And I even cried about this the other night while texting back my sister. WHY ME! SERIOUSLY! ME?! OF ALL PEOPLE! ME?!?!?!?? Like I’ve always thought myself to be a good fucking person, and I know it’s a thing for bad shit to happen to good people but what the fuck have I done that made ME OF ALL PEOPLE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS SHIT?! Not saying anyone deserves it, and trust me there are some bad people in the world, like I’m talking serial killer type bitches but I’m JUST A 21 YEAR OLD GIRL! That’s it, that’s all. I’ve done fuck all with my life! I still haven’t made up my mind on what I want/wanted to do with my life after high school. I thought I wanted to be baker like my great grandma. Tried it, liked it for a while, had a bad experience at a job then didn’t do it again. Then I moved out here and met my dads girlfriend who legit walked into her supervisors office and got me a job at the Kelowna hospital and I thought I had a pretty good thing going there! I was actually excited about all the opportunities I had there! She even told me “Hun when I got you the job here you were only suppose to work here not become a patient” yeah not my plan either! Now I’m back to square one of not knowing what I’m going to do. Can’t do shit now until I’m better! Which who knows how long will be! I’m going to be on meds the rest of my life to keep my fucking seizures at bay, don’t know how long until I can drive again, and who knows if I’ll even be able to work! I’ve been cooped up in my house for a week already and I’m starting to lose my mind! How am I going to last 6 weeks until my MRI? LET ALONE WHO KNOWS HOW LONG UNTIL I CAN WORK AGAIN?! You know we’ve been talking about getting me on disability or EI or whatever but I mean how much of a fucking shin kicker is that, I mean really! I know it’s a good thing to help with money and expenses and such but I’m sorry I’m of sound mind and all that so to think about being on disability is kind of a weird concept for me. Like I said nothing wrong with it but I just never would’ve thought myself to be on it you know? Fuck this whole things sucks! Thank god for wonderful technology so I can get this shit out but Jesus Christ why do I have to go through this! I know I have an amazing support system in all my friends and family and I’m so grateful but my god I’m just so sick and tired of it all! It’s only been a few weeks and it’s a long road ahead I’m well aware of but UGH! ITS NOT FAIR! ITS NOT FAIR! ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!!! I wish this shit on nobody! And some people probably have to think “Well Emma come on there has to be somebody right?🤣” WRONG! I’m the type of person who is already concerned about everybody else before me! Like I know everyone says it’s all about me now, which yeah I guess it is but that doesn’t mean I’m just going to push aside the part that makes me, me. It’s fucked to think but the first person after myself I was concerned about was my baby sister! All I could think about was how much this is going to crush HER! And obviously the rest of my family but my main concern was my baby sister! She’s been through a lot too and I know we haven’t had the best relationship growing up which I regret now cause as much as that little shit gets me so violently mad I fucking love that kid! And maybe it’s finally just my big sister complex coming out after all these years but I can’t handle the pain of letting her down. Even while typing this about her I’m crying. To break her heart I don’t know why but that shit kills me the MOST! And don’t get me wrong I love my older sister too and I know she’s scared for me and we’re all scared but I think it’s partially the older sibling dynamic thing🤷‍♀️ I know this stupid thing has brought us closer together and we will forever be the annoying super duper close sister trio now but fuck man it’s just the shitty circumstance that is the real shit kicker. Like I’ve known before my sisters would move hell and high water for anything but as soon as we found out about the mass and my surgery they jumped in a car for ten hours with an 11 month old to come be with me! Shit is fucking wicked man and I will NEVER take my relationship with my siblings for granted EVER again! Even after my uncle passed away and I seen how hard it was on my dad and my aunt I still didn’t really put it in perspective just how special and lucky I am to have my sisters. Well I’ll tell you I do now! Even my fucking brother in law I’ve taken for granted! And buddy has been around for more than half my life! He was the one I cried to and hugged when I went through my first “real” “heartbreak”. He’s not blood but man’s is fucking family through and through! He messaged me the night before my surgery and was the only one who actually got the tears going! He said “Hey I just finished work, big day tomorrow. I am sorry I’m not there know that I love you Emma be strong and kick ass we will see you on the other side Of all this shit you have no choice but to be ok and healthy so fuckin make it happen! Your my sister and I love you.” He’s the ONLY ONE who actually got me going! I was pissed not gonna lie cause I made a rule that we were NOT going to cry cause I didn’t want it to seem like a goodbye by any means whatsoever. But this mofo doesn’t listen to me or anyone so I was pissed off but also so heart warmed cause we’re siblings through and through, man’s will always have my back NO MATTER WHAT! Same with my sisters and that shit is fucking PRICELESS! Jesus I’ve been writing now for two hours! Guess it’s a good thing I’m able to get this shit out when needed cause clearly I had a lot on my mind to get out. There is still a lot too. Maybe my mom was right, maybe I should start a blog! Or maybe I should do like my grandma said and write a book. Or maybe I’ll just simply stick to keeping my thoughts in my notes like a normal person. It’ll be nice to have some sort of normality I guess right? That or I could always express this all in a support group like I had thought about earlier. You know like the one in The Fault in Our Stars? But obviously not the same. Just the support group aspect I think would be good for me. Like meeting some people my age who are also burdened with the dreaded C word. That’s another hard thing to comprehend too. That fact that I have to say the terrifying words of “I actually have cancer” I got asked before if that’s what it is and I didn’t know how to respond. I replied with I mean as far as I know I haven’t been told the C word but I guess now I have to accept the fact that yup, I sure fucking do. I have Glioma, which is the same shit as saying “I have Cancer” Never thought those words would come out of my mouth but I guess that’s my reality now. Who would’ve known. Not fucking me.