From the Start

No one would ever expect to look back at their life at 21 and think about when you were little you’d never in a million years even begin to think yourself to be in this type of situation. Sitting here this morning I’m not really sure what to write but I feel like typing out something so I guess I might as well start with my whole life story if I’m going to eventually do it one of these days. The other day was a bad morning so I started to write and get out ALL of the frustration, the next day I felt awesome and started to write a little inspirational post for the drafts, now this morning I sit here not really sure if I’m happy, or sad, or just content. Yesterday was a weird day for me, it started out wicked, I felt great! For majority of the day I was feeling amazing, I got dressed super cute, we went for a little outing and then the rest of the day my dad and his girlfriend worked on a puzzle as I sat on the couch in my own little happy world colouring. For majority of the day it was great, but then by dinner time I started to feel overstimulated I guess and then from then I started to feel owly and annoyed for no reason what so ever. Maybe it was just me finally coming down from such a good high but it was definitely interesting to say the least because I’ve never been that type of girl who just gets mad so quickly for no good reason, even on my period I’ve never been that girl. I guess it comes with all of the stages of emotions of everything going on, you’ll have your highs and you’ll have your lows and it’s an emotional roller coaster but that’s okay. I sat by myself for about half an hour before my dad came into the living room and ask me if I was okay and I snapped a bit but apologized soon after telling him I’m just frustrated cause I don’t know how to feel about everything, I was mad for a solid hour and then I thought about the night I hung out with the boy I like and for two seconds I was happy and then I thought about him asking me how I was and then I was sad and then I was angry again and then I was frustrated and started to cry because I truly don’t know how to feel. How can one in a situation like mine? I’m a 21 year old, small town, country, hick girl from Alberta who just found out she has brain cancer. I don’t think there is any right way for one to feel about it all. I got the anger out already so now this morning I guess I feel okay about it, and I know it won’t always be the case, some days I’ll be okay, some days I’ll be good, some days I’ll be mad, some days I’ll be sad, and some days I’ll be livid as all hell but that’s all okay. There is no right way for one to feel, you just gotta feel it all. It sucks that some days will be a roller coaster of all the emotions but hey it’s part of life, you got on it so ride that shit till the end. You may not have signed up for it (I know I sure didn’t) but it’s part of life and you have to take it by the balls as my dad always says and make the most of that shit.

Thinking back to when I was little I would’ve never thought myself to be sitting where I am today in beautiful British Colombia, laying in bed in my basement suite I share with my dad, drinking coffee, and writing a blog about having Glioma. When I was little the only worries I use to have was that my bangs were brushed neatly, my outfit was cute, and my pants were tight as can be! No one would ever have thought me to be where I am today, and I know no one would ever wish me here either. I was always a tough kid too (I mean middle child so obvi) but I never let anything stop me and I’m not going to let this stop me either. It’s just interesting to me to think back to that little girl I use to be and look at the woman I am now today and never have seen such a huge bus coming towards me that has. Never ever would I have seen that little hopeful, happy girl sitting in bed with a buzz cut typing away about going through all the emotions and everything that comes with having brain cancer. In all honesty if you had asked little Emma at the age of 7 or 8 she probably would’ve told you by 21 she’d already be a fashion designer. Funny how when you’re so young life seems so simple, being a fashion designer seemed like such an easy thing for me to accomplish and I was determined to do it, but when you actual think about it you have to admire the childhood innocents of it all cause actually becoming a fashion designer sounds like hard work! Even as a kid though I never really had my mind set in stone on what I wanted to be when I grew up, I was the type of kid who tried literally EVERY sport but nothing stuck. The one thing I did for sure know I wanted to do as soon as I got to high school was take drama classes, everyone had always said “Emma you’re SO dramatic” and yeah I was, still am, and you know what those were probably my most favorite memories from high school. Nothing beats the bond between the weird drama kids!

I realized this morning maybe I never knew my true calling because maybe this right here is it. Maybe writing is what I was always meant to do. I’ve always been pretty good at it, guess it just took getting sick to tap into my unknown potential, sounds kind of bad to say but I mean hey as long as I finally got it figured out right? I do truly enjoy writing and I guess until now I never really took a step back to actually consider it as a long term thing. I just always thought I’d keep writing my stupid little stories I use to write as teenager, never would have considered myself to become a blogger but since I’ve started I’m pretty much addicted now! It feels amazing to be able to get my story out into the world and thinking about it going forward if I keep on doing it for a long time and I can help anyone else who is struggling with the same thing as me that would be just a bigger added bonus to this whole thing.

Going back to my whole life story it does still kind of make me a little sad to think of just how much my plans have changed since being that innocent tough little country girl. Growing up in a family of 5 was for the most part awesome, and I say most part because I’m the middle kid and for anyone else who is as well will totally get it! We grew up on a little farm just on the outskirts of a small town and honestly I wouldn’t have had it any other way. My parents had the type of relationship I always admired having, yes there were always hard times and fights like a normal healthy relationship but the love I had always seen between them really shaped me into the hopeless romantic I am today. Like I’m sitting here almost impatiently awaiting for the guy I like to finally ask me out, and I’ve almost been considering being the one to step up and ask him. I won’t cause it’s too soon yet and we’ve only known each other a little while but it would be a lie for me to say I haven’t thought about it. I think partially why I think the way I do already; despite only knowing him for a little bit is because in my family there seems to be a theme of everyone meeting “the one” while only in their teens to early twenties, so for me being 21 already I guess I’m just waiting for it to be my turn. My older sister met her husband when she was 16, they’ve been together for more than half of my life. I absolutely adore the relationship they have, and do not even get me started on how cute their kid is! My little sister also just met a really good guy and I see them going for a long time too, their relationship reminds me pretty much of how my older sisters relationship is, even though my little sister is only 17 now but I see things long term for them despite my grandmother saying the two of them are so young. I always have to remind my grandma too that she was only 19 when she married my grandpa and look at them now. That’s another good relationship I aspire to have, even through all of the really tough times they have gone through it really makes you have to believe in soulmates even just a little bit. I look forward to the day when me and my sisters are all older and have grandkids of our own and can sit back and reminisce on what we were like growing up and how so much has changed and how so much has also brought us so much closer together. Even with us just recently finding out about me being sick has changed our relationship SIGNIFICANTLY. Not even with me being sick but just within the last couple of years when my older sister moved out of the house way back when in 2014, which is a lot longer than I originally thought but none the less since then the 3 of us have slowly become closer and closer, which is a really warm fuzzy feeling to think about; especially now for me since coming to realize we did have our hard times, but I’m going to get better and WE ARE going to be that annoying trio of sisters who are so obnoxiously close it makes people spite us. Not saying what is happening to me is a good thing but it is a very big eye opener to lots of people (including me) and it really makes a person sit back and reflect on all of the petty little things in life that it is time to let go of. For me, even just moving out since the end of 2019 my relationship with my baby sister has gotten so much better, and now I have officially decided that I am never going to let anything compromise the progress we have made. I took it for granted for too long and its shitty it had to come to this for me to realize but now more than ever I’m more aware of just how important my sisters are to me. Me and my little sister always fought about anything and everything, even up until recently we never hugged, don’t know why and couldn’t tell you but I know one thing for damn sure now is I am going to take every opportunity to my advantage and never give up the chance to hug her or tell her I love her again.

If there is one HUGE thing I can express and give advice on throughout this whole experience it would be to seriously take advantage of the time you have with your family to the fullest extent possible. I’ve always been a big advocate for family and even though mine is crazy and huge I absolutely could not imagine going through this without any of them. Everyone says family is important and it is, yes you may have some you don’t get along with but at the end of the day you have to make the most out of the time you have with them because things are constantly changing and it can happen in a matter of milliseconds. All I can say is once something happens and you are not able to go back in time and change it you don’t want to have regretted a single thing. You have to make the most out of the precious time you have. Not saying my time is limited cause it is not! I’m beating this thing! But I am from now on going to take every single little thing I do with my family to my full advantage because I will be damned if I am going to go through this and not make the most out of the good things while I can.

I don’t even know how to go on to be completely honest. Everything goes from one minute to the next so quickly its hard to keep track of. I was on a role this morning and then I stopped for a few hours to get out of the house and now I find myself back at the computer just unsure of what to keep writing about. I know I want to keep writing about something but I’m unsure of what. It’s weird how from each hour I can go from different emotion to different emotion in the snap of a finger. I know I’m under no pressure to feel any certain type of way and nobody expects me to feel any other way than I do from one second to the next but I’m just feeling conflicted on what else I want to say because there is so much left I have to say but I just can’t think of what words I want to put on the page. I guess that is the beauty in writing my own blog, I can say what I want when I feel like it and when I have nothing else to say I can come back any other time I feel the need or want and just get it out or keep it in the drafts until I decide I’m ready to share it. It’s been a lot to comprehend the last 20 days to be exact. Lots to comprehend and lots to take in and a lot to go through I guess is really the only words to describe it. With each passing little moment it gets slightly easier to think about because I can’t really change anything so I have to accept it eventually, which I have accepted, its happening, its happened, its just the strangest concept to grasp that I’m actually going through such a crazy experience. I think acceptance is a very important emotion to go through especially in my case but its just insane. I think I’m at the point where I’m past the anger and frustration, even though there will be days to come that I will feel like that again, they will never be gone but for now in this moment in time I’m just back to shock I think. Like I said earlier there will be the good days, the bad days, and the mediocre days and they are all a part of the process. I think maybe I should just leave it as is and leave this on a good note. Maybe my next post will be another good one or who knows maybe it will be another angry one like my first but that’s just the beauty of this journey and for who ever wishes to follow along will get to experience with me with each post. But for now I think I’m doing okay and we shall see what the next post will bring.

“She was not fragile like a flower; she was fragile like a bomb”