Hard Time

I find myself back here again at 3 in the morning, why always 3? This morning however I am having a hard time with the pain. For those of you who know me know it takes a lot for me to cry, well this morning I’m in so much pain I’m in tears so clearly this shit is tough. I just took a Tylenol 3 which thank god I have but my god is the pain immeasurable; and again for me to be saying that means it’s fucking intense. I take a lot and I’m tough, like seriously, I have a high pain tolerance but Christ am I in pain. It’s in my jaw which doesn’t really make too much sense, I know they had to cut into my jaw muscle they did tell me that but oh my god I think I might have to go back to the doctor or something cause this pain is seriously not right. For me to be awake at 3am crying from being in so much pain is not a good thing, and I’m so sick of going to the doctors! I know I have a long way to go with a lot of doctors appointments and it’s only been a few weeks but I’m sick of it. I don’t want to have to be reliant on Tylenol 3’s to help me get through this agony. For the first week I took them because that’s what I was given at the hospital but it made me so constipated it was ridiculous; plus I think I’m like my grandpa and the codeine makes me break out in a rash so that super sucks also. I don’t want to have to take the eventually addicting codeine just so I don’t have to sit here in pain; and that’s what I’m scared of, the addicting part. It’s awesome that I have it to help me out when needed but if I’m having to need it everyday no fucking thank you! I absolutely, positively, Do. Not. Want. To. Take. It. But I have to. What else can I do?

I hate that I have to sit here again while crying, this whole thing sucks. I don’t want to be sick. Nobody does. It’s not fair. It really fucking isn’t. I’ve been through so much in the past just about 6 years it’s not even funny. It seems like ever since my great grandma passed away in 2017 life has just gone to shit for me and my family. After my grandma passed away (which was devastating cause I was extremely close with her) about a year later my Mammie passed away from cancer. From then a year after that 2019 was the worst of them all, we had to put down our family dog; who as cheesy as it sounds was legitimately my all time best friend. Then we were left a alone for a few months and my sister got married which was amazing and beautiful and the calm before the big storm. My sister got married on June 22 then exactly 10 days later my fucking uncle died. That was probably the worst experience all of my family had to go through. He was only 36 I think when he passed away, 36, and my god did that take us all out. My poor grandparents especially. Not to mention my dad; and as an older sibling I cannot even begin to imagine how hard that could be on a person, to feel like you’re the one who let down your little sibling. Like I mentioned in my first post the mere thought of what might happen to me and how it’ll make my siblings feel DESTROYS me the absolute most. Not even just how they would feel I can’t imagine how everyone else would feel! I know nothing is going to happen to me because I AM going to to fight this but thinking about the worst possible outcome is always going to be in the back of everyone’s minds; and to think about how it would be the last straw to completely implode my family has me sitting here crying once again because it’s not fair how much heartache my fucking family has been through in only 6 GOD DAMN YEARS! In 2019 I went to 3 weddings, fine, awesome, cool, they were great! But I also went to 3 funerals. How. Fucked. Up. Basically after my uncle passed away that was the straw that broke the camels back in parents marriage too, I’m not going to get into that cause it’s not my business to tell everyone on here but that’s just a part of the shitty 6 years. For two years now parents have been separated/divorcing. So on top of all the deaths and my family falling apart now I get cancer, how wonderful right.

If there is one person I am super thankful to have through all of this though it’s my best friend Laine. You wanted me to write a heartfelt blurb about you so here it is mofo, get ready to cry bitch cause imma make this shit juicy. I know when we first met in grade 11 we were super close for a year and then for a solid like year and a half to two after that I hated you but that’s not important, we’ve been new and look at us now. Now is all that matters. I love you dude, from the bottom of my heart you are truly my best friend. I don’t know how I’d be able to get through this without being able to scream and cry and rant and vent to you no matter what time of the day, you are always there to talk to me even when you’re busy at work. I talk to you about anything and everything no shame and no judgement, just my raw emotions and that can be hard to find in a friend. I know I have a few other friends from school I grew up with that I still talk to but when it comes to you Laine, they don’t compare. You are my ride or die bitch and we both know it. You’re exact words to me when I found out about the tumour was “You’re not going to die because you’re not allowed to die without me, we die together or we don’t die at all” so I responded and told you “I guess we’re going to be immortals now then cause I’m not dying” and for you to say those words to me and constantly and consistently be by my side; even though you can’t be physically right now means so god damn much to me. If I didn’t have you I’d be lost, or have a different all time best friend; which is not an option. I’ve told you before and I’ll say it again, you’re stuck with me bitch so suck it up. Seriously dude if we didn’t rekindle our friendship when we did I don’t know where I would be without you. Even just the other night my dad thanked you for being here for me so you got the daddy approval, you’re family now. When you come fly down to see me soon we are having a full fledged bestie cry sesh and I am hugging you until you have to wiggle yourself out of my grip, I’m not letting you go for a solid ten minutes and I’m going to time it! You know I’m going through some shit so for me to admit we’re going to be crying and hugging is a big thing, and I wouldn’t want it to be with anybody else because you’re it for me, you’re my ride or die. We’ve already discussed the matter of boys will be an exception but I know from now on since I’m sick you’re not going to let just anyone be an exception for me, you’re going to put my poor next boyfriend through the wringer because of just how much you care about me and I’m more fragile and sensitive now so I just know you’ll be more protective of me. But like I said, I wouldn’t have it any other way because Laine Mills, you are my BEST FRIEND and I love you❤️

I didn’t think so quickly after my last post I’d be back posting another not bad blog but another blog about having a hard time. I knew there would be more to come and there will still be lots more to come but I wasn’t expecting it so quickly I guess. Yesterday was suppose to be a good day, and for majority of it, it was. I woke up and had to take a Tylenol 3 cause I was in too much pain but I got my staples out yesterday so it was suppose to be good. It started out rough and with me in pain so I took some of the good pain meds and I was alright, then I realized I must have brushed my hand against one of my staples unknowingly and it started to bleed! Just before getting them taken out one starts to bleed, just my luck right. However I went and got them out and it didn’t even hurt, now I look like a kookamonga with these bandages that have to stay on for 3 days. I guess all in all yesterday was pretty good, I got my staples out and then I spoiled myself a little bit by going shopping and buying myself a new sports bra and bandana from lulu lemon and then I found the second book of the illustrated Harry Potter books so now I have all 4 of the published ones, and then I went and found myself a huge new pack of markers for my colouring books. Which is something I’ve been doing a lot of, colouring. With being stuck at home and not knowing what to do I’ve been doing lots of colouring in all of my adult colouring books, it’s a wonderful way to pass the time and it’s fun! So I guess all in all yesterday was a good day, but I didn’t expect myself to be writing another blog about how hard this thing is on me so quickly. It’s good to get it out I just didn’t expect myself to be pouring my heart out again so fast. At least now the Tylenol has kicked in and I’m feeling much better. This whole situation is such an emotion roller coaster, it’s kind of annoying but such is life I guess. Hopefully the next post will be good and I won’t be up at 3 in the morning writing about it, maybe I’ll actually be able to sit and write throughout the day next time I post. Anyways I hope everyone else has a good day, I know I’m going to try my best but we will see how the day goes.