It’s Okay To Be Scared

So I just had my 6 week post op MRI, it went alright, I did everything I was suppose to and it was nothing fancy, I mean it was cause the machines are incredible but all I had to do was lay still so that was easy. Now comes the scary part, the unknown. I won’t know for a few days what the scans will entail, I’m hoping they are okay but who knows right now and that is the scary thing to me. I absolutely hate the unknown, especially when it comes to my health and something so big such as this. I know this is and has been a part of my life and will continue to be for a while but the thought of everything that could go wrong and not having any actual answers yet is to say the least kind of terrifying, I know I put on a brave face to everyone but on the inside I’m borderline screaming for how nervous and scared I am for everything to turn out, but when you think about it that’s perfectly normal and definitely an understandable emotion. Part of it too stems from me being an over thinker and running through all the thoughts of “what if” which really isn’t something I should be doing but sometimes you can’t help it, and for those who are over thinkers as well will understand where I’m coming from with being scared of all of the possibilities, even though most likely only a small fraction could become true.

A part of me now too is scared of the next steps, since I’ve done the Mri now my doctor and his team meet up and discuss a treatment plan for me, I’m scared that once they do figure out the best option for me I might be letting some people in my family down by making my decision on where I want to get my treatment done. There have been a lot of good points made on both sides of the spectrum but I don’t want to have anyone upset or mad at me when I do decide. there are still loads of things I have to take into consideration and a lot of other decisions I have to make that come along with the giant one of “do I stay in B.C. or do I go back to Alberta?”. This is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to choose between but as of now I’m kind of leaning towards staying, I know it would only have to be a temporary move back depending on how long my treatment could take but I’m scared the move could have another bad effect on me like it did during Christmas, and I’m not sure if I really want to risk it now with a more fragile head than before. It all comes back to being scared, and trust me I think I’m pretty much a pro now when it comes to that; but it’s okay to feel scared, and if there is one thing I’ve learned the most it’s that any and every emotion I feel is valid, I’m going to feel scared and terrified because this whole thing is terrifying, for me and everyone going through it with me. I wish I could take all the worry and the scariness of it all away but sadly no such luck, that’s just not how the world works, would be a thousand times easier if it did but c’est la vie I guess right.

Another part about being scared of the unknown comes with all uncertenty that maybe everything might not turn out okay. I know there has been a lot of people telling me that “oh well so and so knows someone who went through the same thing twenty some years ago and they’re living a wonderful life now” or ” this person went through the same thing as you, exact same and they’ve gone into remission and are living such a happy and healthy long life” all those things sound great and give a little bit of hope but for those who know me I like to do things the hard way, so maybe I won’t be okay and as much as nobody wants to here it we have to think about the hard and truly horrifying things that sadly do come along with me having brain cancer, I could die from this. I’m going to try my best to stay positive but sometimes you have to face the hard truth and I’m a little tired of everyone almost pretending like that factor is nowhere in sight and nowhere to be found. I’m not saying I will, I’m just saying I could. I’m going to fight tooth and nail to make sure I do beat this and that I do go into remission because the last thing I want is for my family to have to go through something so terrible like that, especially after everything else we’ve had to go through the last few years. I know that was probably super hard for some to read and I’m sorry but I think I just needed to get it out, I feel like it needed to be said, for me it needed to finally be put out somewhere that isn’t just my mind, cause that has been weighing on me since first hearing the words come out of the emergency doctors mouth ” Emma, we found something on your brain” and those words will probably still haunt me for a long time.

Moral of all this though is that it really is okay to feel scared, life is scary and it’s going to throw so many different curve balls at you when you least expect it, they might not all be bad, sometimes they might be amazing, and out of this for me I have gotten a few good things come out of it, but don’t let life keep you down, sure it might push you over a bit but don’t let it keep you there. That might sound a little funny coming from me now after that last kind of dark paragraph but this is my life now, one minute I’m talking about the dark things in life and the next I’m inspirational, or so I like to think. However I do think it’s inspirational for myself sometimes and a person needs a little bit of that every once in a while to help them feel a little better, and that’s what this blog does for me big time, it helps me feel better and get things off my chest and gives me a little pick me up. I know I get quite a few people who read my blogs and I want to thank you for listening to my story and following me through this crazy journey. There will be more to come for sure and I appreciate all the love I get from everyone, I know sometimes these blogs get out of hand when I’m mad or frustrated but like I said it’s a crazy journey and not all of them will be happy or inspirational but fingers crossed there will be more good than bad, that’s all one can hope for really ❤