Confusing Times

I’ve come to realize it’s been about a month since I’ve posted, the reasoning? Well let’s just say my life the past two months has been full of so many ups and downs it’s honestly hard to keep track of. Right now I’m kind of in a downward part, not necessarily a spiral but if I’m not careful it could go there and we definitely do not want or need that. The reason for this is because of on top of my seizures starting again (which is only a cause of getting my medication right) I am now going through a tough time with having my so called distraction from reality being gone. This is hard because when you sit at home or have so much time on your hands to think about all the things going on in your life, a distraction is a very good thing to have, it keeps you from thinking of all the negatives because you’re so indulged in your distraction you don’t bother to think of those stupid negatives. However when it’s gone they tend to creep up on you like a bastard, very much like demons these negatives came very close to putting me in a very bad depression, and if it wasn’t for my dad and his girlfriend dragging me out of the house and trying to put a smile back on my face I would be in a horrible horrible truly scary place right now. I know my dad was scared for me and knew what was about to happen so he nipped that right in the butt to make sure it didn’t turn out that way; cause trust me when I tell you I was headed there, and I scared myself, I’ve had a few times in my life where I’ve gotten depressed but they were mild compared to this, because this time I have all of the shitty things to think about that come with this tumour. One being the fact that I have no idea why I have been dealt this harsh of a hand in life; why did I get burdened with a brain tumour, why do I still have seizures, why did I have to get rid of my hair, why do I have such bad luck when it comes to relationships, why does nothing in my life seem to go in my favour? Now tell me you wouldn’t have fallen like I did with those and many other possibilities and thoughts running through your head. One also scary thought I had that I told my baby sister, which I think scared her was I said “what’s the point of anything anymore?” She immediately shut that down and outright told me absolutely not, no, do not think like that. She is right, my best friend also said something similar and told me that if he wouldn’t let anyone else talk bad about me then why the fuck would he let me say that about myself, he’s got a point but sometimes it’s hard to not think those things when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because it’s blocked by all of those negative thoughts that are constantly trying to drown you. 

However, on the up side of things I was told after my MRI that the results look good and for now I’m going to be okay! The little nodule that was deeper in my brain is now gone and all we have to do is manage my seizures and see what the oncology team thinks is best but other than that I can go back to living my life almost exactly like I had before but with a few exceptions like the meds and not being able to drive right away. I was told as well that with this news comes the okay with being able to go back to work soon, that is however dependent on what my oncologists will have to say; but my doctors exact words to me were “Don’t let this define you, you’re not someone sick with a tumour, but someone who just so happens to be living with one” I’m now allowed to do everything a normal 21 year old can do, in fact he encouraged it! We even joked about when I do go back to work at least I work in a hospital so it’s really the best place to be if something were to happen whilst on the job. On another good note I was finally able to step on a scale a few days ago and I gained back some of that horrendous amount I lost. When I was discharged from the hospital I weighed 120lbs, I haven’t been that light since the beginning of grade 10 which is almost seven years ago; but stepping on that scale it read 135lbs, so definitely a much needed amount of weight to gain back. Do you remember in my first post when I was ranting about staring myself in the mirror and seeing a weak sickly looking person I couldn’t recognize as myself? Well I’m glad to say that girl is no longer seen when I look in my mirror, I’ve filled out a little bit more and don’t look as boney and fragile, I’m happy to say I look more like me (minus the hair but I’ve got a wig to help with that😉) 

So as of right now I’m happy to report that I’m on the mend. I’m feeling better from the last few days and I’ve been feeling better physically more and more each day since the hospital. I’m slowly starting to get out of the house more too, mostly from being dragged out by my ear from my dad but I digress. All in all I guess things aren’t too bad when you look at it from a bigger perspective, I am on the mend and my doctors aren’t too worried at the moment and clearly are not in too big of a rush to get me started on any treatment so we’ve got that going for us. I know however though that some days I will still be stuck in a slump worrying about all the pesky negatives but that’s to come with everybody’s life, everyone has bad days where the negatives swarm the brain and don’t let you see much of the positives. Thankfully though clearly I’ve been getting better as the days go by, am I still sad? Obviously but I’m trying to work on it and think of more ways to distract myself from falling down into that scary place, and I’m thinking pretty heavily about seeking about some counselling to help me even more just so I have a professionals take on things and they can tell me some better ways to help myself in the long run of things. So yeah definitely some confusing times on my part and that’s part of the reason I haven’t posted but since starting to feel better I’ve gotten a little bit more inspiration and motivation to actually kick my butt in gear and write something to make me feel a little better since I’ve found this is a very therapeutic way to get my feelings out and it helps keep everyone up to date on how things have been going. However not to worry because I’m feeling a lot better mentally now and I’m slowing regaining my simple smile back😊